Final 28th on Bithday Eve.

Dear Love,

I was about to update my real old blog, when I finally realized that it was disappear. Goggle has a link where I can figure out the reason, but what is the different then?

So here I am...2 more hours before I celebrate my last 20-s birthday. Next year I will be 30. And right now, I am still 28th.  I never been this nervous all my life. Age is just a number, that is what I believed. But at this moment, it is not that really, anymore.

I am sacred of the future even more. Will I find someone, ever? I feels like walking toward a giant gate that is closing, and I don't have the energy to run toward it any more. Along my way before this, I occasionally stopped and gave up. I will never make it. But suddenly I find the courage again, and start moving forward. And then again, gave up. The cycle repeats.


Did you feel like this when you were in this position, few years ago.?

I remember 10 years ago, when I was 18 , moving toward 19. The memory was so vivid, as I could remember myself walking underneath a big tree outside 12th residential college of our university. I exactly remember asking, what it's like our 20-s will be?? I was trying to guess the future. I  remember walking with another friend, but didn't remember asking her the question and I somehow keep thinking of Yanie when this kind of question popped out (because she is one and only who like to asked weird question). Mind you Yanie was studying in different university.

I was really confident that, I will finish my degree as late as 23, then go straight to my PhD. I don't remember wanting to get married, or I was only wanted to be with Hakan alone, that time. Since I was much younger, having family is never crossed my mind, nor I ever reject the idea whenever someone brought it up. I was thinking that, I'd rather be a volunteer worker outside this country all my life. Serving to others.

But my guess was so wrong. At 22 I almost lost my life to septicemia caused by multiple bacteria (Acinetobacter, VME , stap, and much more), my kidney function was failed, I somehow developed a clotting in one of my vein located in my cerebral, coma, in -and-out of ICU,...the story was much longer.

After I was diagnosed with Lupus in April 16 2006, life changes completely, if not worse. None of my goal meet it's plan, except for not being married.

This is a substantial fear that I am having now.

So, you must be wondering how I spent my last 28th years of age. Not much as always. But I did went to visit my Nigerian new baby whom I called Amira Jr. Take picture.Return the books to the library. And buy my friends some cuttlefish for her dinner.

That is a huge accomplishment for me .

At least after I gave up PhD.

Clock is ticking. And I am scared. How I wish you are here, and hold my hands. Because I really, really want to feel the warmth of your hands in mine.