29th Birthday

Dear Love,

I hope you are fine.

Pfft, so it's happened. I am 29th and few seconds old. How life differ from this? I don't think it will be something so subtle, as most changes can only be experienced gradually. And then, one day I will realized that I changed as if changes take only one day to happen (for some things, yes).

But I am talking about the inward emotion. I don't hate him for one reason. Or two, or three. Or if they are ever countable. If the reason or the driving force was something that is categorical....but it's not as it is rather something that's continuous.

I finally closed almost all doors for him. It was a relief. I don't care when I heard the news about he was diagnosed with  prostat cancer. And this is one change I am talking about. But the mean me still allow him getting the necessary need for his recovery. I am just glad I don't feel as sad as I usually does, and I didn't feel as hopeless , or useless as if I was the one who made him sick this way.

All my life, that was what he did. Blamed me or anyone (the closer you are with him, or the more love you have for him the greater blame you will have to take) for all that goes wrong with him. One thing I can still remember clearly is when he blamed me and my siblings for the downfall of share markets price. Yes, you may think it funny.

I have been blamed for the bad weather, for his weak of financial power, for the congested road. I have been blamed for the misdirection on the road, for the disease I have (but never wanted) and for his car that got broken by somebody else.

I have been ridiculed and belittled all my life. By him. Can you imagine what kind of fear to live with everyday, around him?

So when I closed all doors, I closed all the roads he used to blame and hurt me.

I cut off communication, keep it as minimum as possible. And I can feel my sanity is coming back.

I begin to laugh, I begin to spend my time and money, I begin to open up to others. I allow other emotions to come forward into me, although I am still so scared. Because to me, opening a door could also means open a road to get hurt.

I am looking forward for more good change , beginning today.

Happy birthday to myself.

p/s: The time in the place I am currently living is not in line with the time used by this blog.