The picture

Dear Sunshine,

''For some unknown reason, I feel sad every time I look at this picture'',

The truth is, there is no unknown reason.

I feel sad because she grew up hating her life and what is around. Not that she is being ungrateful, but she has been trained to. And forced to. Lock up to believe that life is about a hanging dark cloud over her head all the time. To believe that she worth nothing and deserve no goods.

Even when I intervened, took her away, tried to safe her, she couldn't even make herself to adapt to new, meaningful life. She had been completely brainwashed, corrupted to the core. She has no belief in hope, she has no belief in love.

I looked at her picture again, look at her cute lips and innocent eyes. Her small fingers and soft skin. I almost could imagine the warmth of holding her, I can smell her. And all of sudden, my lips can feel her skin, and her lips. I imagine kissing her plumpy cheeck.

And I was then, lost into my imagination. I dreamt that I was there and upon taking her away from her aunty , I made a run. Ran away with her. Hide away in a place where no one could reach us. And I raise her. I let her be herself. Love her, and give hope to her. And she will not be sick like she is now.

But that is not what happened. The reality is, life had been really cruel to her. Now, she is lying on the bad waiting for her time to end. She has waited for so long, but death still shy away.

I took her hand into mine, and say ''This is not the life you should live. If you can't see the beauty , then I'' ll let you go. I don't want you to suffer anymore.''

29th Birthday

Dear Love,

I hope you are fine.

Pfft, so it's happened. I am 29th and few seconds old. How life differ from this? I don't think it will be something so subtle, as most changes can only be experienced gradually. And then, one day I will realized that I changed as if changes take only one day to happen (for some things, yes).

But I am talking about the inward emotion. I don't hate him for one reason. Or two, or three. Or if they are ever countable. If the reason or the driving force was something that is categorical....but it's not as it is rather something that's continuous.

I finally closed almost all doors for him. It was a relief. I don't care when I heard the news about he was diagnosed with  prostat cancer. And this is one change I am talking about. But the mean me still allow him getting the necessary need for his recovery. I am just glad I don't feel as sad as I usually does, and I didn't feel as hopeless , or useless as if I was the one who made him sick this way.

All my life, that was what he did. Blamed me or anyone (the closer you are with him, or the more love you have for him the greater blame you will have to take) for all that goes wrong with him. One thing I can still remember clearly is when he blamed me and my siblings for the downfall of share markets price. Yes, you may think it funny.

I have been blamed for the bad weather, for his weak of financial power, for the congested road. I have been blamed for the misdirection on the road, for the disease I have (but never wanted) and for his car that got broken by somebody else.

I have been ridiculed and belittled all my life. By him. Can you imagine what kind of fear to live with everyday, around him?

So when I closed all doors, I closed all the roads he used to blame and hurt me.

I cut off communication, keep it as minimum as possible. And I can feel my sanity is coming back.

I begin to laugh, I begin to spend my time and money, I begin to open up to others. I allow other emotions to come forward into me, although I am still so scared. Because to me, opening a door could also means open a road to get hurt.

I am looking forward for more good change , beginning today.

Happy birthday to myself.

p/s: The time in the place I am currently living is not in line with the time used by this blog.

Final 28th on Bithday Eve.

Dear Love,

I was about to update my real old blog, when I finally realized that it was disappear. Goggle has a link where I can figure out the reason, but what is the different then?

So here I am...2 more hours before I celebrate my last 20-s birthday. Next year I will be 30. And right now, I am still 28th.  I never been this nervous all my life. Age is just a number, that is what I believed. But at this moment, it is not that really, anymore.

I am sacred of the future even more. Will I find someone, ever? I feels like walking toward a giant gate that is closing, and I don't have the energy to run toward it any more. Along my way before this, I occasionally stopped and gave up. I will never make it. But suddenly I find the courage again, and start moving forward. And then again, gave up. The cycle repeats.


Did you feel like this when you were in this position, few years ago.?

I remember 10 years ago, when I was 18 , moving toward 19. The memory was so vivid, as I could remember myself walking underneath a big tree outside 12th residential college of our university. I exactly remember asking, what it's like our 20-s will be?? I was trying to guess the future. I  remember walking with another friend, but didn't remember asking her the question and I somehow keep thinking of Yanie when this kind of question popped out (because she is one and only who like to asked weird question). Mind you Yanie was studying in different university.

I was really confident that, I will finish my degree as late as 23, then go straight to my PhD. I don't remember wanting to get married, or I was only wanted to be with Hakan alone, that time. Since I was much younger, having family is never crossed my mind, nor I ever reject the idea whenever someone brought it up. I was thinking that, I'd rather be a volunteer worker outside this country all my life. Serving to others.

But my guess was so wrong. At 22 I almost lost my life to septicemia caused by multiple bacteria (Acinetobacter, VME , stap, and much more), my kidney function was failed, I somehow developed a clotting in one of my vein located in my cerebral, coma, in -and-out of ICU,...the story was much longer.

After I was diagnosed with Lupus in April 16 2006, life changes completely, if not worse. None of my goal meet it's plan, except for not being married.

This is a substantial fear that I am having now.

So, you must be wondering how I spent my last 28th years of age. Not much as always. But I did went to visit my Nigerian new baby whom I called Amira Jr. Take picture.Return the books to the library. And buy my friends some cuttlefish for her dinner.

That is a huge accomplishment for me .

At least after I gave up PhD.

Clock is ticking. And I am scared. How I wish you are here, and hold my hands. Because I really, really want to feel the warmth of your hands in mine.